A few more

#1
A woman brings 10-year-old Johnny home after he was caught playing doctor with her 10-year-old daughter.​
Johnny's mum says "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex?"​
"Curious about sex?" She replies "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"​
A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says​
“You need to stop masturbating!”​
“Why?” Asks the man.​
The doctor replies “Because I am trying to examine you!”​
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay’s cooking show!​
Husband: STOP WATCHING THAT SHIT! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!​
WIFE: SO WHAT? YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!​
I had a threesome a few days ago.​
Two people didn't show up though, so I had to take matters into my own hands.​
I met this guy from Italy who was really strict about his diet.​
His name was Only One Cannoli.​
My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song.​
Her friend Eileen wasn't to happy about it.​
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.​
“And I love you tons.” I replied.​
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked.​
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.​
What’s blue and smells like red paint?​
Blue paint.​
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.​
He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”​
I was impressed by the Instagram account of the sexy girl in the gym and so I followed her immediately.​
"Who are you and what do you want?" she said as she opened the door of her house.​
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.​
She hugged me.​
Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships.​
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.​
My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men, so I told her to sit down and shut up.​
But she couldn't do either.​
 
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Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#2
An armed robber held up a bank recently. After threatening the staff and making the customers lie face down on the floor,a very brave security guard grabbed the robber and ripped off his balaclava.
The robber said " That was stupid! Now you will recognise me again" and blew the man away.
A bank teller who looked over the top of the counter met with the same fate.
The robber then shouted " any body else see my face?"

A small voice came up from the floor...

" I think my wife may have caught a glimpse"




1550522858478.png
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#3
CONDOLENCES

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finishes all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank
together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and
he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me.... I've quit
drinking!"
 

jaybee

Latvian rider transport!!!!!!
Premier Member
#5
I asked my North Korean pen pal how are things there. He said he couldn't complain.

I'm devastated, every year for 20 years I have received a valentines from a secret admirer, this year nothing! First my granny dies and now this!

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in my local shop today. They must have been out of stock.
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#7
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

<>
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER, SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#8
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where
do women mostly have curly hair?


Apparently, it's Africa
 

Kim Leeson

Premier Member
#9
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

<>
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER, SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."
Good one!...going by your avatar, did you finally get the RT?!?!?
 

Megabuck

IBAUK Verifier
IBA Member
#10
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He's not sure whether there is a dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Regards,
Martin
 

jaybee

Latvian rider transport!!!!!!
Premier Member
#11
Is it worth watching that Fred & Rose West documentary tonight, or is is just going to be digging over old ground?
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#12
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want. So he tied her up and went golfing.
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#15
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#16
The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to f_ _ k off.​
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#17
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow,Pinkand Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pinkit up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.