A woman brings 10-year-old Johnny home after he was caught playing doctor with her 10-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mum says "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex?"
"Curious about sex?" She replies "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says
“You need to stop masturbating!”
“Why?” Asks the man.
The doctor replies “Because I am trying to examine you!”
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay’s cooking show!
Husband: STOP WATCHING THAT SHIT! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!
WIFE: SO WHAT? YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!
I had a threesome a few days ago.
Two people didn't show up though, so I had to take matters into my own hands.
I met this guy from Italy who was really strict about his diet.
His name was Only One Cannoli.
My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song.
Her friend Eileen wasn't to happy about it.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.
He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”
I was impressed by the Instagram account of the sexy girl in the gym and so I followed her immediately.
"Who are you and what do you want?" she said as she opened the door of her house.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She hugged me.
Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships.
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.
My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men, so I told her to sit down and shut up.
But she couldn't do either.