Phone sex

#1
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman he is charged with sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its a £2.50/min charge (charges may vary).



Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's useless at snooker.



Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!





If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then ignore it. It’s only Spam.




They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.



When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.



The local corner shop ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.


News flashes:


A man has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.


Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.


I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.



The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.​
 

jaybee

Latvian rider transport!!!!!!
Premier Member
#3
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I've heard nothing since.

The Christmas jumper my girlfriend gave me last year kept picking up static electricity. I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.

I’ve got a universal remote control for Christmas. This changes everything.

Lightning does not mean to startle people. It just doesn't know how to conduct itself.