Trying to outdo g.s.john

jaybee

Latvian rider transport!!!!!!
Premier Member
#1
A man fell into an upholstery machine this morning.
He's recovered now.

There's some Polish bloke standing outside my front door singing 'I want to know what love is' Bloody Foreigner

Pedigree Pet Foods are going through an economic crisis,
it looks as though they will call in the retrievers.

I finally bought the limited edition thesaurus from amazon, but found that all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am

Going to the Royal Mail fancy dress party.
I will be there in a jiffy.

Oh dear I'm in trouble yet again... My wife discovered I was cheating on her, having found a pile of letters I’d hidden.
She said she’s never playing scrabble with me again

If you receive a message telling you to avoid canned pork because of a risk of contracting swine flu, ignore it, it's just spam

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Dear Deidre, If I am keeping maggots warm in my mouth for fishing, will they do me any harm? I wait with baited breath.

I'm trying to sell all my old dogging outfits on eBay.
No bids yet but loads of people watching...
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#7
A man said to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
Wife"You've got a bigger todger than your brother."

Whats the ideal weight for a mother in law.
1 kilo and the urn.

I have just read a great book about The History of Glue,I couldn't put it down.

Cowboy walked into a German car showroom and said "Audi"

Whats the difference between Harold Shipman and the Conservative Government.
Shipman actually did something about the NHS waiting lists.
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#8
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me
why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered .

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose
 

Jonnyp

IBA Member
#9
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and whenI have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre'sear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#10
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests
they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharamacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
 

Winglider

Ex-Wiinglider
IBA Member
#11
One day a Barnsley bloke decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, until that is, the ship sank.


He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, other than bananas and coconuts.

After four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She says, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when the cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" she says. "I made it out of drift wood and other materials I found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that wasn’t a problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, there’s a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to the correct temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make all this hardware."

The Barnsley lad’s stunned.

"Why don’t we row over to my place," she says. After a short time rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.


The Barnsley lad looks to the shore and nearly falls out of the boat. Before him, he sees a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

As the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the bloke from Barnsley can only stare, dumb struck. They walk into the house and she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of that coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a nice whisky?"

He tries to hide his continued amazement and they sit down on her settee to talk..

After they’ve exchanged their individual survival stories the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

Now he’s no longer questioning anything, so the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise shell.
"This woman’s amazing," he muses. "What's next?" He goes back downstairs and she greets him wearing nothing but small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically placed, she smells faintly of gardenias. Then she beckons him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she says suggestively, slithering ever closer to him, "We've both been here for many months. You must have been lonely. I’m certain there's something you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, yes?" She stares directly into his eyes.

He simply can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears form in his eyes,



"You've made a chip pan?"
 

owl*

Rally Bonus checker
IBA Member
#15
Thought for the day
The Great Lao-Tzu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."​