Nursery rhymes updated for the 21st century

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
the structure of the wall was incorrect
so he won ten grand with claims direct

it's raining it's pouring
of course it's global warming

Jack and Jill went into town
to fetch some chips and sweeties
now he can't keep his heart rate down
and she's got diabetes

Georgie porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cos he was gay

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon